the signs as john mulaney quotes


aries: Here’s a story I once heard about me
taurus: It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them
gemini: Now when people make fun of me, I deserve it
cancer: This might as well happen
leo: I’m a little fat girl
virgo: Detective! We found a pool of the killer’s blood in that hallway! Mmm… Gross. Mop it up!
libra: I always thought quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be
scorpio: No one knows what you’re talking about, you idiot!
sagittarius: In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin
capricorn: “John, that bathroom’s been closed for FORTY YEARS"
aquarius: I’ll keep all my emotions right here.. and then one day, I’ll die
pisces: Thirteen year olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day.